Thursday, January 18, 2007

The Lying Ass Weather People...

...said last night that we could expect a light wintry mix starting about 7AM this morning, but with little or no accumulation.

I woke up at 4:45 and peered out the window and what to my wondering eyes should appear? Snow!! WTF? I thought you mutherfuckers said 7AM. I'll give you a window of an hour given the fact that meteorology isn't an exact science, but holyfuckamoly, you missed by lots of ticks of the clock. Even with all your high-tech gizmo's. You people should have to go work at a landfill.

Now, in my past I wouldn't have been concerned. I would have taken my intrepid ass out and driven about anywhere. 6, 10, 12 inches. No problem. Not so any longer. I'm pussyfied now. And being the nervous bitch that I am, the more I peeked out the window, the harder the crystals were falling. And those demons were BIG.

So I grabbed me some java and parked my ass in my recliner and turned on the morning news. Usual bullshit. Light mix, roads are good, won't last long. HUH? Where you broadcasting from sugar tits? My windshield already has a 1/4 of an inch on it. So I sat for an hour and put my faith in the people that are supposed to give me "up-to-date" forecasts.

At six I peeked out once again and another 1/4 inch had fallen. We have a foul weather mailbox at work where you call an extension and a voice comes on telling you if there are delays or cancellations. I called. No message. OK. I try to keep myself on a schedule, in spite of my wussiness, so in the shower I went to keep my schedule of leaving for work at 7.

Out I came, all squeaky clean. Put on my jeans, socks and boots, lathered my skin with lotion, and got another cup Guy. Peered out the window again and the flakes were as big as a Ritz cracker. HAH!! Another 1/4 inch. Decisions, decisions.

So I finished dressing, yielded a broom and ventured out to clear the F-150 and warm it up. It's damn pretty, but it was slick as Clinton. Came back into the apartment soaking wet, lit my ass a fag and poured another cup of jumpstart.

Now I haven't driven in the snow in 7 years. As I said, I used to do it all the time, but those mammaries are long since gone. But I decided what the hell. Add some excitement to your life. So off I went into the crevice that could be my demise. Driving a truck in the snow is not like driving a car. You have no weight over the rear tires. You're up a little higher. It just handles differently. And that it did. I live at the bottom of a hill. Not a big one, but enough that if the road heading either way gets slick, your ass ain't going anywhere. I had to make a decision. Go left, and it's shorter, but steeper. Right, not as steep, but slicker. I went right. Halfway up the hill I meet a school bus. WTF?? Are their people not out here monitoring this shit? So, having to stop halfway up the hill I was regretting my decision and thought of turning the hell around and grabbing a glass of wine. But not this time. I was feeling my testosterone. And I had my broom. Took me five minutes to get the rest of the way up the hill. I did a Lance Armstrong arm raising thing when I got to the top. Where's my yellow jersey baby cakes?

Now, remember, it's still dark out, and I'm as blind as a bat when it comes to driving in those conditions. And you have the usual assholes that act as if they are driving in Miami at high noon. So I took my time, no higher than 35MPH, kept my distance, pumped the breaks, kept in any tracks I could find, and 45 minutes later I was at work. Saw 5 wrecks, one really serious. But I was there unscathed. And found out when I got there they had canceled school. Fucktards.

I have balls. REALLY BIG BALLS!!! Black ice in the morning. I need to go out and get larger undies to accommodate these suckers if I decide the tackle the elements again in the morning.


Anonymous Ed said...

Hey, justice league member.
You're talking about 3/4" of snow as if it was as daunting as Everest during a white out! Next time check your grapes before you get in that big, bad, worthless in the snow, piece of rat dung,Ford 125. Holy Edsel Batboy!!!Maybe you should go to the gravel pit and have some cowboy drop 500 lbs of gravel in the back end. That will at least provide that Ford(and its driver) with some stones to haul around. Holy slippin' and sliding Batboy.... Is off to the bat cave for you.

5:34 AM  
Anonymous TC said...

You call that a storm?

Even the school buses are running!

Turn up the t-stat, er maybe put another log on the fire, sit back and add to this blog here.

Real folks are a waitin!

5:22 AM  
Blogger GalacticallyStupid said...

Apparently you people don't realize that an inch of snow here in the south is like twenty in places that get it on a regular basis...I have big

10:19 AM  
Blogger Libby Spencer said...

Yeah, when I lived up north I used to laugh at how they shut down here but the thing is, there's so little snow and the ground is warmer so it immediately turns into a skating rink.

You do have balls to go in it. I would called in.

4:16 AM  

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