The Persona...

...that other people perceive. We all have them. People we work with or interact with on a daily basis have a perception of us that may or may not be correct. We are partly to blame, if not fully, for how that persona is generated. We have an image of ourselves that is based on personal experiences, comments from others that lodge themselves deep within our psyches and what not. What we see is pretty benign when we are by ourselves. When we have to present that to the outside world it can take on a myriad of forms.

Let me give you a quick example. When I was working on the golf course we had one employee that literally said to others that he would "fuck you up." He was a muscular guy, though not really all that tall, but intimidating enough. Back then I was still lean, but my arms were pretty big from a previous job and weight lifting. I was 6'1", he was about 5'10". I was his boss, so I never had a problem with him, but the head honcho was tired of hearing the complaints about him, so I was told to put a stop to it. So when I pulled him aside one morning and and explained the situation he was just stunned. What I saw was not a bully, but someone that used that persona to cover his fears of social interaction, acceptance by his peers and his fear that he was inferior to others. We talked for about an hour and his whole demeanor changed after that. He left a few months later for another job, but I would see him periodically and the transformation was dramatic. He was engaging, with a great sense of humor and a genuine concern for others.

Which leads me to this. I am the complete opposite of that. I'm an introvert. I don't like crowds and avoid them at all costs. I prefer one-on-one engagements. I hate confrontation. That's the way I am and always have been. What I see in the mirror is the same thing I've always seen. It never changes. I've tried to change it through a myriad of mental and physical protocol's, but it ain't never gonna happen. But what doesn't change is that one volcano boiling in my belly that will not tolerate anyone fucking with my ass. If that happens then this meek, mild-mannered individual goes directly for the jugular.

As in an earlier post I mentioned that I was looking for a new rifle. I happened to mention it in passing today in a conversation at work. No one there even owns a gun of any type. As soon as I said it there were looks in the eyes of others akin to someone that just got a death sentence. I immediately became the silent one that was going to go over the edge and come in one day and shoot the place up.

Persona's. I have a new one. I'm gonna play this one to the max. Happy Hunting...