Friday, August 31, 2007

Shitiquette...

...for you assholes that haven't learned it yet and because I've put in my shit time.


I've been through the diaper deal, I've stood in a broken lift station while women flushed their shit down the crapper AFTER I had posted an "Out Of Order" sign on the door AND the lid, I've repaired sewer lines with the water from the toilet and it's contents cascading over my hands and I wiped my Dad's ass and cleaned out his portajohn when he was dying. So feces don't faze me.

But dammit, if you can't figure out how to flush a john when you take a dump in a public facility, or your own abode, for that matter, then listen up.

When you park your ass on the can in anticipation of pinching a loaf the size of Louisiana then how about learning some timing. If you DO time it right, then as soon as that turd makes its presence known to the world, flush the toilet. This way, it can break up on its way down and not screw up the siphoning process of said toilet. And if said turd has a cousin or two following in its wake, do the same thing. FLUSH. Don't fucking wait until you've deposited Mt. Rushmore into the porcelain and then piled the equivalent of the New York Times on top of it to pull the handle and go gently into that good night.

Now, maybe this failure in attentiveness doesn't bother you at home because you(or your family members) are the only ones that have to deal with it. But in a public facility that has only two loo's and four shitcans, it becomes a nuisance when you plug up two of them, and both in the same location. There isn't a more helpless feeling than opening a stall and finding not one, but BOTH, commodes plugged up and full of your crap. And for that matter, why does it take you half a roll of TP to wipe your ass? Did you shit yourself before you got there? Your asshole ain't but the size of a silver dollar, at most. Yet you act as though you're wiping the anus of an elephant.

I took matters into my own hands today, and took the plumber's helper they keep in one of the stalls and did not only myself a favor, but my fellow building mates. Did it bother me? Not a bit. It took a few minutes and some odd looks from people coming and going, thinking I was the culprit. So be it. Shit happens. Just make sure it ain't yours I have to clean up. I've paid my dues. Most likely, you haven't.

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