Monday, April 23, 2007

Sheryl Crow Wants Your Fingers...

...to get poopy on them.


She wants the government to enact a law that would limit the amount of toilet paper you can use when you're done evacuating your asshole to one sheet. A LAW. FOR ONE SHEET. I don't know about you folks, but I've been wiping my ass for 54 years and I'm pretty sure this isn't going to work for me. I shit jet fuel and IED's. I may max out at ten per wipe and follow up with a Cottonelle, but how does she expect anyone to cleanse their tooshy with one sheet? And she's obviously never wiped a baby's butt after a meal of creamed corn and split peas.

This is the outcome of someone convincing a talentless musician that she can sing, which in turn provides her a platform to spew all her intellectual and global warming bullshit. And just how is this law supposed to be enforced? Are there going to be potty cops? Will someone actually be watching us when we wipe? Will they open a safe and pull out the one sheet and take their leave? What if you use two-ply? Do we have to separate them? Lots of questions involving this well thought out plan.

8 Comments:

Blogger Hammer said...

Another celebrity nutbag. I bet she has some servants ready to lick her clean at each movement.

1:25 AM  
Blogger Infinitesimal said...

I am straight-up smack-down ADDICTED to those cottonelle flushable wetwipes

this law is the mist inane thing i have ever heard of.

How about a law against that bullshit rag
"The Shopper Stopper"
that gets shoved in my mailbox 4 times a week? It goes right in the trash. Useless coupons and advertisements.

I know, i will forward them to Sheryl and she can begin to wipe her ass with that.

2:02 AM  
Blogger GalacticallyStupid said...

It takes all kinda shit, I reckon.

9:21 AM  
Blogger Babs RN said...

She says it was a "joke" to get people thinking and talking about the environment. Well, it worked at least in getting people to talk and think about HER.

7:15 PM  
Blogger curmudgeon said...

Welcome to Russia, comrade Sheryl.

8:51 PM  
Blogger GalacticallyStupid said...

It's all about promotion.

9:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I understand that all the environmentalists are down on Sheryl Crow because they say she's a hypocrite, who is doing nothing to save the environment, because she admits to using one square of toilet paper to wipe herself!

Now if she were really serious about saving the trees, she would use no toilet paper at all.

Well, I'm doing my part to save the trees. You see, I'm so massively obese now that I can't reach around to wipe my fat ass anyway. I'm about 5 ft 6 in and I weigh 385 pounds, and I measure 70 inches around my butt and hips, and my butt spreads out to about 82 inches around when I'm sitting down, so you get the picture. So, I use some other method to clean myself.

But now these environmentalists can do their part for those of us who still wish to have clean butts. The Government can simply appoint them as Official Ass Lickers, and they will be well paid for the position.

Of course, some of us can't afford to have personal Ass Lickers, so another viable alternative would be to save the trees by wiping our butts with spotted owls. In my case, I'll need to use a spotted owl tied to a long stick. Not only does that help to save the trees, but it also helps to conserver water as well.

Also, Sheryl Crow should pay a heavy fine for using that one square of toilet paper, because she's really not doing her part to save the forests, so as punishment, she should pay a 10 thousand dollar fine, and do Community Service as an Ass Licker without pay for 6 months, and be put on probation for about a year.

Now, does that sound like a good idea?

4:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I understand that all the environmentalists are down on Sheryl Crow because they say she's a hypocrite, who is doing nothing to save the environment, because she admits to using one square of toilet paper to wipe herself!

Now if she were really serious about saving the trees, she would use no toilet paper at all.

Well, I'm doing my part to save the trees. You see, I'm so massively obese now that I can't reach around to wipe my fat ass anyway. I'm about 5 ft 6 in and I weigh 385 pounds, and I measure 70 inches around my butt and hips, and my butt spreads out to about 82 inches around when I'm sitting down, so you get the picture. So, I use some other method to clean myself.

But now these environmentalists can do their part for those of us who still wish to have clean butts. The Government can simply appoint them as Official Ass Lickers, and they will be well paid for the position.

Of course, some of us can't afford to have personal Ass Lickers, so another viable alternative would be to save the trees by wiping our butts with spotted owls. In my case, I'll need to use a spotted owl tied to a long stick. Not only does that help to save the trees, but it also helps to conserver water as well.

Also, Sheryl Crow should pay a heavy fine for using that one square of toilet paper, because she's really not doing her part to save the forests, so as punishment, she should pay a 10 thousand dollar fine, and do Community Service as an Ass Licker without pay for 6 months, and be put on probation for about a year.

Now, does that sound like a good idea, or what???

I also understand that the Muslims also do not believe in using toilet paper, so, I'm beginning to wonder if Sheryl Crow just might be a closet Muslim.

If that's the case, then she could be a potential terrorist, and the FBI had better keep an eye on her before she decides to hijack a plane and fly it into another building and killing a few thousand more people!

2:52 AM  

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