Just A Few Things That Make Me Want To...

...shove my own head up my own skinny ass.

• When did Halloween become a national holiday? I still have to get up and wipe my ass, which I never do on holidays. I have to go to work. I have to deal with people all day. Never on holidays. When those roll around I get up, put a wine IV in my arm and act like a monkey. Jumping and screaming throughout the land, searching for ripe bananas in neighbors cupboards, screeching as I startle an unsuspecting female as I yank down her blouse. Tonight we have a city close to me that has an average turnout of 50,000 people roaming one street. I think our sense of the world has become so jaded that the only thing we can fall back on is to go out, spend lots of money and indulge ourselves in idiocy. Of course, perhaps we do that everyday. My grandma would shit herself if she had to deal with this. But sounds like a good place for a drunken monkey.
  
  
• This Malaki motherfucker in Iraq has to go. Since when did he get to call the shots? I realize they are now a "sovereign" nation, but we supply all the money and all the other stuff. Take this motherfucker out now. He's in the sheets with al Sadr and they have been shit on.
  
  
• WTF?? I try to eat healthy. I stay away from the fast food places where certain local governments are outlawing transfats. And I eat alot of veggies. Now those damned things are showing up with pigshit, human shit and who knows what else on them. So I can either get clogged arteries with my chicken or e-coli and salmonella with my balsamic vinegarette and whatever veggie I have it saturated with. Can one sustain oneself on cardboard?
  
  
• Why are all news anchors just sorta stately men, average looking and seem to know what the hell they are talking about. The weather people are just HOT. I don't pay attention to the men, but they are pretty. If I tended to the other direction I'd have their barometer up my butt in a heartbeat. But the weather babes? Whoa...
  
  
• Hammer informed us tonight that Bob Barker is retiring from the Price Is Right. I never liked the show, but I did have to hear it in the background when I was taking care of my Dad when he was dying. He loved that program. You ever tried to talk on a VOIP to a customer when all you hear in the background is a woman screaming. I had alot of explaining to do. What I don't get is why he's waiting until June. Surely he won't do a retirement tour. And since he's fucked almost all of the ladies on the show, isn't he worried about that coming out? And he's always advocating to get your pet spayed or neutered. Is that because he was having sex with them while you weren't looking and didn't want his progeny cascading out of a pets vagina? I've shoved my head up to my liver now and I see it isn't happy. I shall calm the beast.