I Am The Hammers...

...alter ego. All disclaimers apply.

I've talked about wine before. As my grandma used to say, if it comes in a big box, it better be something you wear. Like tennis shoes and such Not wine. I bought a box of wine the other night when I had nothing better to do and wanted to see if it was worthy of my tasty buds. I ended up watching porn on the internet and spanking the monkey into a melon I found in the frig. I put it back. It ended up in my fruit cup for breakfast the next morning.

Don't try to light a fart if you have diarrhea. It gets messy.

If you see Hulk Hogan on your TV, run to church and pray for your soul to be saved from eternal damnation. You have crossed the line.

When you find your Dad's Playboy tucked under the sink in his bathroom, don't spank the monkey onto the models tits and then put it back. It's likely to get his attention.

Don't try to make sushi outta the bass you caught at the lake. It results in bad gastrointestinal outcomes. See farting above.

Spikes are for golf shoes. Not hair. If you must, wear a cleat on your head.

Don't rummage through your sister-in-laws bra drawer. It will depress you.

Your wife will close up the kitty when she finds out you rummaged through said SIL's bra drawer. I told ya.

Ask your best friend if he'd mind if you saw his wife naked. You never liked him that much anyways. You can drink him under the table. He'll ask for a loan. Tell him you'll pick up the tab. then ask about his sister.

UPDATE..

Not my best effort, but it is what it is. But if you can find the one thing that the Hammer does that I copied, you get a prize. Call Ed.