I Went Back And Changed...

...my Dad's diaper and clothes at 6:30 AM on May 15, 2003. He was on a morphine drip, so it was all dead weight. His breathing was shallow, pulse was weak. I had been there four months and took him through his journey to wherever his next stop was going to be. I wanted him to be clean. I went out and had a cup of coffee with my Mom. We both knew the next few days would be rough. Around 7:15 I had a feeling come over me. Dry and mysterious. I went back and checked on Dad. Carotid artery, no pulse. Abdominal aorta, no pulse. Got out the blood pressure kit. Zippo, like the lighter I grew up watching him use. The person I was so affraid of when I was young but came to so love as I got older was dead. His weaknesses, his foibles. They were over. He told me a story one time at the beach about their honeymoon. He felt her up the whole way on the plane. I had to go out and tell his wife of 54 years that the man she went to bed with every night was gone. We called hospice and the nurse was there in 15 minutes. For two minutes they verify that there's no blood pressure. Well hell. I dun already dun that. Then you have to call all the appropriate people. My Mom couldn't take it. She hugged him, gave him a kiss and said she loved him. She then went out on the porch with the hospice nurse and talked about stuff that I was clueless about, but it was her time. They stuffed my Dad in a bag. I felt it degrading, but what's one to do? I had lain with him and kissed him goodbye before they got there. But watching him being wheeled out was almost surreal. There goes my genome, my psyche, the very person that gave me life. And I was empty. I'm sure it was from the months of taking care of him. The endless showers, the hair cutting, the martinis through a straw. All so he could feel like he was alive. As they rolled him out the door all I could see was the hospice nurse rubbing my Mom's back. Shit happens, but this isn't supposed to. No brothers to help, no neighbors, no church members. Just my skinny little ass and a woman that just lost the love of her life.

After that it was an endless series of phonecalls and arrangements, visits by people I can't remember. Mom's birthday was two days later and she didn't want the funeral then, so it was a few days after that. Younger brother was on his third honeymoon in the Phillipines or somewhere like that. Oldest got ahold of him, but no luck getting back in time. I was so psychologically and physically worn out at that point I had nothing left to give. I just went through the motions after that.

That's about as much as I will ever give about myself. Deal with it...