You Would Think...

...I'd have more concern for my own damned ass. I've been trying to quit smoking for the past month. And drinking. Put on a patch and we're good to go. Some would say it's a character issue. I say fuck off. I've determined that when you come home to a small ass apartment that is devoid of female companionship, kids and general mayhem, it's pretty lonely. I liked walking in the house when I had the boys and playing with them, bathing, feeding, etc. Not sure why. It just made me feel complete. I had no qualms with it. But when I got divorced, the part of me that CARED about me took a sabbatical. A long one. And it's still in Nantucket. I wake up every day and tell myself that today, healthwise, it will be different. But as my mind wraps around the day, I know when I come home it will be the same. I can do the no smoking at work with no problem, but the loneliness when I walk in the door at home is stifling. It's as if it's my best friend of death. I used to run 10 miles a day, while I was smoking, and did 7 minute miles. It befuddles me, in many ways, but when you give both emotionally and monetarily, then it sucks something out of you. So I have tried to make myself care about myself, but it doesn't work. I care about my my family, the one, or none, friends that I have, the rest can go to hell. So I will find a way, maybe, to make myself acceptable to society and the people around me. But maybe not...More to come...